


Memories and Loss

by asparagusmama



Series: Saints and Sinners [2]
Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dreams, F/M, Ghosts, Grief, Guilt, Loss, M/M, Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 15:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5132666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asparagusmama/pseuds/asparagusmama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On all Souls Day Robbie can't help remember, and miss, and mourn both his wife and his old mentor.  In his grief he realises he is hurting others, and feels guilt and loss for the living as well as the dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories and Loss

Lewis woke up to a weight being thumped down onto his chest. He opened his eyes wearily, but smiled as soon as he saw the small face of his grandson smiling down on him.

“Grandpa! Wake up!”

“Yeah. But s’sh, yeah, Jack, let’s not wake Auntie Laura.”

The boy slid of his Grandpa onto the rug and stood, waiting, trying not to jump up and down, while Robbie got up and pushed his feet into slippers as he pulled on his towelling robe.

“Look, look,” Jack half whispered excitedly, towing his Grandpa by his wrist.

Robbie followed the excited little boy down the stairs and to the kitchen and out into the small back garden. All was thick white fog.

“The world’s gone away. Look!”

“Is it bothering you?”

“Nah. It’s exciting. What is it?”

“Fog.” Robbie tried to remember if there had been fog this thick in the last couple of years of the boy’s remembering. He was sure there had been bad fog when he was born, but not afterwards. “It’s called fog. It’s like the clouds in the sky have come down to the ground,” he explained as best he could. Jack was a bright boy, like his Mam, and would always ask. Like his uncle too, although Mark at this age would have been scared. Robbie shook his head to get the image of a small James being equally, if not more, curious as a youngster. James always popped into his head at inappropriate moments. Ask Laura. He wasn’t sure she had forgiven him yet.

“Let’s go in, it’s cold lad. How about I make you some warm milk while I get me a cup of tea, yeah? Let your Mam sleep a bit more.”

“With biscuits?” Jack asked, climbing up to the kitchen table.

“’Course.”

*

Lyn found her father and her son asleep in front of the TV; Five’s Milkshake showing Thomas the Tank Engine. She shook his shoulder,

“Hey Dad. The fog is so thick there’s not a flight in or out of Manchester.”

“It’s not lifted then?”

“No. And I got a call from the holiday club. It’s not running, staffing problems.”

“Ah, no worries pet, we’ll stay on and look after him. I can cancel the hotel in Newcastle, it’s only a Travelodge, after all.” He said it without thinking, without bothering to consult Laura, whom he had promised a bit of a break. She hated this time of year. It was five years ago now, but she still had the nightmares, not that she actually told him that, or shared it with him. Mind you, when he thought how close she had been to being buried alive. If they’d been even five minutes later...

 

*

 

Later, Lyn was dressed for work and about to go when Laura finally emerged downstairs. “Oh, you’re at work today then? I’d better say goodbye...”

“You’re staying on a couple of days, didn’t Dad tell you?”

“Oh, I must have forgotten,” Laura said, hiding her scowl. She made herself a cup of tea and wandered into the living room, where Jack was curled up on his Grandpa’s lap. They were looking at an old photo album,

“Yeah, your Nana Val was so proud of your Mam that day.”

“Do you miss Mam’s mammy?” Jack asked, with his childish directness.

Caught off guard, Robbie heard himself saying, “All the time pet, all the time.” He looked up to see Laura in the doorway, looking at him with a face full of thunder.

 

*

 

It wasn’t until two hours later when Tim came home from his shift that they got to talk. Tim was obviously exhausted, and aware of the baby-sitting situation, but he also quickly picked up on the tension, as soon as Robbie offered to take Jack out so he could sleep and Laura had bitten his head off with a retort about consultation.

“It’s okay, it’s lovely to get some time with my gorgeous son!” Tim said, scooping Jack up and carrying him upstairs with the promise of getting the Lego and train set out.

“Some discussion might have been best,” Laura snapped.

“You were asleep love.”

“Don’t you love me at all Robert Lewis? Look, it’s not that I don’t like your family, and it’s been a lovely weekend, but what happened to our plans, to Newcastle and seeing where you grew up, then Edinburgh – a break, you said. I’m not a children person, sorry, but that’s a fact. I love Jack, but I’m not step-grandmother emergency baby-sitting material.”

“No, I know that love...” He did indeed. Laura had settled on a generic ‘Auntie Laura’, rather than anything beginning with Gran or Nan. James had said, when Robbie had told him,

“Won’t he get confused... you know, why is Grandpa shacked up with his Auntie?”

“He’s just a little lad,” Robbie had replied.

“Not forever,” James had retorted. And he had got up, and flounced to the bar with a snapped, “Another pint!” And Robbie just knew James would have been happy with Grandad James or some such, despite his being so much younger that Laura. Laura sometimes made him feel the age difference far more than James ever did.

Now he said to her, “It’s probably just one night. We couldn’t have flown anyway.”

“I’m sure the trains are running.”

“We’ll still go to Edinburgh, have that romantic time we promised ourselves. There’s all the time in the world to show you my old places, isn’t there?”

“Do you think? I’m making some toast,” and she walked out to the kitchen.

Robbie sighed and picked up the old photo albums they’d been looking at last night, and he’d shown Jack earlier.

“Oh Val...”

No one was a replacement or a substitute; no one could be...

 

*

“You make a lovely couple. Very seventies, in that kipper tie and flares, but all said, a happy couple,” Tim said, over his shoulder. Seeing Robbie’s look of concern, he added, “Don’t worry, Jack is building Lego houses to go along side his track.”

Robbie nodded and then looked down at his wedding photos and sighed, “Aye. Height of fashion in them days. When did I get to be so old? Sometimes I feel like I’m not here, just existing, like half my soul was ripped away that day.”

Tim sat down next to him on the sofa. Robbie was very fond of his son-in-law. Or outlaw, they’d never done the marriage bit. Tim wasn’t even Jack’s biological Dad, but he was so glad he’d been able to forgive Lyn and take her back. He’d never liked that financial advisor.

“Love is composed of one soul inhabiting two bodies,” Tim quoted, and to his father-in-law’s look, said defensively, “What? It’s not just your James who knows a thing or too!” he grinned. “I liked James.”

“James was just my sergeant, and now a friend, “ Robbie said automatically.

Tim looked at him. “Right,” he said slowly. Then looked down at the wedding pictures. “Do you love her? Laura? Even half as much as Val?”

Robbie sighed, “I’m very fond of Laura. It’s good not to be alone.”

“You weren’t alone Robbie, were you?”

“What...?” Robbie looked up at Tim. “What do you mean?”

“Lyn and I aren’t so stupid. So you’re bi, it’s not like it’s going to bother us.”

“Look, James and me...”

“What went wrong?”

“Ah. Just one of those things. Too old. Too set in my ways. Too scared. Too much of a bastard, maybe...? I ask myself, what would Val think of me. She liked Laura, always did, but always saw her as a threat. See, I fancied her as soon as I saw her.” Robbie chuckled, “First time we met she gave Morse a right what for, would take so to his bloody sexism, put him in his place good and proper. I miss him, too, he’d have known just what to say, get me out of this mess I buried myself in. Maybe if Laura and I, you know, sooner after Val had gone...”

“Are you saying it’s not working? She has that right to be pissed off with you Robbie, not asking her if she was cool with staying on and baby-sitting for a couple of days, ‘til my leave.”

Robbie sighed. “Yeah...”

Just then Laura made a big show of coming into the living room with her toast and more tea, and both men just knew she had overheard their conversation. But how much?

“Right, I’m off to get some sleep. Keep an ear out for Jack, yeah?”

As soon as he left Laura glared at him. But she said nothing. You could cut the atmosphere like a knife.

“I’m sorry if you heard any of that,” Robbie said finally into the tense atmosphere, not looking at Laura.

“Fond! Fond Robbie! Is that it? And what was that about getting together before? I thought you were too grief-stricken, then you buggered off half way round the world, didn’t you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I wouldn’t have gone. Maybe other stuff I’m ashamed of wouldn’t have happened either. And fond is all my broken heart can do, alright? I still love Val with all my heart, and it might get easier with time, but the pain will never end. It’s just you get used to it, like living without a limb, maybe. I don’t know...” Robbie’s voice cracked as turned his head to hide the tears burning, unshed, in his eyes.

“Oh Robbie...” Laura got up and came to sit next too him, wrapping her arms around him as tightly as she could. “I’m sorry. I’ve been alone so long, and I’m not good at relationships, I haven’t even really wanted one, not a long term one. You’re the first man I’ve ever tried to live with. And maybe, just maybe, deep down, it was because I fell a little bit in love with you when we first met. You got all my jokes, anyway.”

Robbie snorted, despite himself, “You were so mean to Morse.”

“He always asked for it,” Laura said flatly.

“I am sorry Laura,” Robbie said. “I can’t undo all I felt for my Val, can I now?”

“I could cope with the dead wife –”

Robbie winced.

“... and the ‘being fond’,” she went on.

“I’m sorry. I do like what we –”

Laura held up a hand to silence him. “So do I Robbie. I thought we were doing okay together.”

“We are! We are lass...”

“But you should have been honest with me. From the start. I mean, to quote Tim, it wouldn’t have bothered me, you being bi... Or was it experimentation?”

“James was just me bloody sergeant and now he’s me friend!” Robbie stressed automatically.

“It’s the bit in the middle that bothers me, from just your sergeant to your friend. What was that about, him flunking out and disappearing, about all the excuses not to meet up or come over?”

“Laura man! I’m not gay!”

“I’m not saying you are!” Laura pulled away form him and stood up. “Well, you can spent all day playing childminder, but I’m not. There’s a bus stop at the end of the street, I’m going into Manchester and doing a bit of sightseeing and shopping!” With that, she stormed out of the room.

Robbie tried to follow her, but she grabbed her handbag and coat from the hallway and slammed the door hard, without another word. Robbie looked up to see Jack sitting miserably on the staircase, halfway up.

“Is Auntie Laura angry with you because of me?” he asked forlornly.

“Oh no! No love.” Robbie rushed up the stairs and scooped his grandson up. “Auntie Laura is just a bit cross with me, that’s all. And she doesn’t like the fog. Come on, how about you show me what you’ve been building.”

 

*

Hours of trains and Lego, along with a toy police station and hospital, complete with tiny nurses and little police officers, filled the time and so Robbie’s mind, and he didn’t have to dwell on anything.

Laura came home and the three of then had a pleasant tea, Laura telling them where she went and showing them what she had bought – including a new Lego set for Jack - and then Laura washed up while Robbie bathed and gave Jack his bedtime story.

However, once Jack was asleep, Laura said she was going to have an early night. Robbie got up to follow, but she stopped him, pushing her hand rather aggressively in his chest,

“No Robbie. I need time. I know we’re both in a bad place right now, you’re thinking of Val, I’m remembered that time five years ago, it’s anniversary tonight. I need to be alone. I’ve got myself a good book, and I just want to curl up and read it, okay?”

“Alright love. Whatever you want.”

He curled up on the sofa and watched some stupid TV comedy, he wasn’t even aware of what he watched. James texted to say he hated his job sometimes, so glad of an excuse, he rang him, glad to hear his voice. He kept his voice bright, pretended all was well, and listened to James complain about a rape case he’d been involved with that had been rejected by CPS – they had forensics, they had witnesses from the party to say she was completely out of it and saw three young men pull her upstairs into a bedroom when she appeared to be semi-consciousness and not even aware of what was happening. How could they claim she wouldn’t make a credible witness, that they were not likely to get a conviction? How was going to a party in a short dress and drinking a little provocation? It felt like the dark ages.

Robbie listened, made soothing noises, but he didn’t know what to say. Rape cases were notoriously difficult to get a conviction, and CPS was under so much financial pressure to perform that they dropped so many cases. It was their job to take the statements and to gather evidence; the rest wasn’t up to them. He wanted to make a flippant comment, but he’d done that after Zelinksy and regretted it ever since.

With a promise to get together for a meal and a pint or three as soon as he was back, he hung up, knowing James was miserable and alone and beating himself up over that poor girl.

And Laura was upstairs, still not talking to him. It was gone nine, so he went up, but Laura had bolted the guest room’s door. She placed his night things and wash bag on the floor. He was bending over to retrieve it when Tim came out of the master bedroom, yawning.

“Overslept,” he mumbled, then saw the situation. “Oh. Shit. Everything okay?”

Robbie shrugged. “No worries. I’ll make you a bacon buttie, man; you need to get yourself back to work.”

“I’ll get you the sleeping bag,” Tim said.

They sat at the kitchen table, but mercifully, Tim didn’t ask anything at all. They talked of Jack and of Val, at how much she would love him, at Tim’s memories of her, of how Lyn so missed her now, more so than before she became a mother. Robbie felt like crying. Things would be so much simpler if Val was still here. Or maybe he should have taken up his Lyn’s suggestion to retire up here, and be on hand for the childcare emergencies. But then, he’d be bored out of his mind, wouldn’t he? He’d already retired once and gone back and was loving it, and if that damned Moody didn’t like him, then his contract wouldn’t be renewed and he was, frankly, dreading it. He was a copper, plain and simple, that was all he was. He’d been Val’s husband, but then she knew, didn’t she, she shared him with the force. And Morse.

Morse was so unlucky with woman, poor old sod, but he knew a thing of too about love. He’d know what to do.

Lyn came home shattered, barely registering anything, and after kissing Tim hello and goodbye, headed for the bathroom for a long, hot soak in a bubble-filled bath with a silly chick fic. She certainly didn’t notice her father’s things and a sleeping bag in the living room.

Robbie went back to the TV and the photo albums, brushing his teeth in the kitchen and getting into the sleeping bag, hoping his back would stand it. It was a good sized settee, so he thought it wouldn’t be too bad. Just as long as it was the one night. It wasn’t even the first time Laura had needed her space, but in her house she had two extra rooms to choose from.

He fell asleep to some ancient crime drama and pictures of holidays from when the kids were wee, Val on a Northumbrian windswept beach in a swimsuit, holding a surly Mark as he paddled, Val in a wide brimmed hat and a smiling Lyn on a donkey ride in Weston super mer, Val and the kids frying bacon outside the tent in the New Forest... holiday after holiday. Life was simpler then.

It was sweetheart, it was. But it’s such a long time ago. We moved to foreign holidays once they were grown. 

She had sat down next to him, stroking his hair. 

But things move on.

Do you remember Australia? Our first proper holiday together since the kids were born?

So long ago Robbie. Listen to me darling, and move on.

I thought I had. I thought that’s what I was doing. I miss you so much.

Is fond and it’ll do enough?

I’ll never have what we had again, pet, never...

No, I suppose not. But I’m not here Robbie, and in your hurt you’re hurting people. That’s not like you, is it now. Not my Robbie.

“Val!” Robbie woke up, thrashing about in the sleeping back, and fell off the sofa, his face wet with tears. “Come back love. Come back Valerie...”

It was just a dream. Your imagination Lewis.

So I’m still asleep then?

What do you deduce?

That you’re as dead as Val and I’m alone.

You have a beautiful daughter, a fine grandson. Then there’s the lovely Doctor Hobson. Never soft enough, never feminine enough for me. Frankly, she scared me.

That’s the way she wanted it Sir.

No doubt you’ll find her terrifying too, if you anger her enough.

What did I do? Put my grandson and daughter first?

Well, there’s Detective Inspector James Hathaway, your sergeant and once young lover of sometime ago...

James was my sergeant. And now he’s my friend.

And...?

And he was so beautiful. And young. And he needed me. I was selfish. I used him. Val’s right, I hurt people. I miss her – and you too – so much I fail to see what’s under my nose, who cares for me now. I never got over the shock, I never got to say goodbye, to either of you, did I? Too late, both times, too late...

*

That morning Lyn was surprised to find her Dad in a sweaty heap of sleeping bag and tangled limbs on the rug in front of the sofa, family photo albums strewn about him, his face dirty with tearstains.

“Dad?” she shook him gently. “Dad? Come on. Wake up. We all miss Mum.”

He let himself be pulled to consciousness, to be hugged by his daughter. But he had no idea what to do, how to make it all right again, for himself, for Laura, for James.


End file.
